Last year the Shanghai Slammer came from Los Angeles and edged Toronto to earn the title of Season 1 National Champion. His place in the history books is set. Our grandchildren will be talking about his masterful execution of the sport. He got his.
On Saturday February 26th, however, the Slammer will have to make room for Champion #2 as winners from San Francisco, New Orleans, Portland, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Austin, New York City, San Antonio and Atlanta descend on The Highball for a night of pretend sexing like no other. The desire to be remembered until the end of time burns bright in each of these competitors but alas, there can only be one. Tickets should be gobbled up immediately.
The stage is set for a warm and tingly climax to the 2nd Air Sex Championships Season. The final piece of the puzzle is adding more stiff competition from the East Coast. The Air Sex East Coast Regionals pit the best performers from D.C., New Haven, Philadelphia, Boston, New York City and Providence against each other for the right to travel to Austin,Tx – home of the final round of the 2nd Annual Air Sex World Championships.
Oh, Portland. How we love your enthusiasm. How we appreciate your eagerness to thrust. How we’re flattered you want to see the right champion take home the crown.
In fact, we’re so flattered, that for the first time ever, we used to science to determine the winner of tonight’s Air Sex Championship. After an extremely unbelievably tight final round the audience was split between DD Top, Guy and Schlongathon. The styles were vasty different (circus sex, awkward sex and wheels off sex respectively) but the audience’s reactions were identical: raging enthusiasm. After we measure the sound of the applause using some magic equipment in the tech booth, DD Top ended up the champ.
The Rock vs. Stone Cold. The Yankees vs. Phillies. McDonalds vs. Burger King. Tonight was another chapter in the Book of Epic Battles. Fuckleberry Finn, who competed ast year in San Francisco as Robo-Lover and Dirty D paced backstage knowing this competition would go right down to the wire. Our third place finished, Professor Longair, was a formidable opponent (gingerbread people sex illustrations and all), but this night was all about Fuckleberry Finn vs. Dirty D.
Fuckleberry excelled in the WTF realm. The man caught a fish and then had his way with it. His way was sweet and gentle, not unlike what many families do with fish on the dinner table every night. Dirty D excelled in the Oh My Goodness realm. The man does Air Sex like actual sex and it pays off for him (you may remember his as the winner of our first-ever New Orleans preliminary round). Both men excelled in the music and costume department.
We suspect it was a difference of two claps and one screamer in the final voting. Dirty D squeezed out a victory and a deflated Fuckleberry gave him a gentleman-like congratulations. And Brooklyn went to bed happy.
When the doors opened at The Middle East, the eager spectators quickly filled the Arena. Photographers gathered tightly around the stage. Autograph seekers positioned themselves near the competitor entrance way. Tensions were running high. A collection of amateur Air Sex competitors grabbed the spotlight around 10:00p, each with an opportunity to become a legend. To earn their place in the annals of Air Sex history.
Historically there are just as many female competitors as there are males. Tonight, though, we were treated to the rare Lady Hat Trick. The final three were Whiskey Chick (a lovely showcase of the rare condition known as Whiskey Dick), Ha-Nanimal (local improviser from Improv Boston) and the eventual winner Cock Queen.
Cock Queen’s dominance in Boston is similar to the overwhelming performances in the past of Southern Fried Sex, Shanghai Slammer and Urshur. She held the fake fallace and the audience in the palm of her soft, able hands.
Earlier this week at the lovely Tonic Bar, we walked onto a dry stage and thought to ourselves: This place has no idea what’s about to happen. About two hours later we felt like we had been tricked. The people of San Antonio came through big with a wonderful bag of competitors, from “this is how they actually do it” types to “this is how they think they do it” types.
Lucha Libre did some strange tag-team routine that involved love making and piledriving (same thing?), The Sensation and Adolf Oliver Bush were over-the-top intense and Miss Kitty Ballbanger performed with a whip and (wait for it…) one of these things. She made it to the finals along with The Hammer and our favorite name of the night, Big Girl Put It On Ya.
The finalists weren’t initially pleased to be conducting their final Air Sex routine to this mystery song, but Big Girl Put It On Ya made some lemonade real quick en route to her stunning victory. For her efforts she gets to compete in the Regionals Championship in Austin in early 2011!
Thanks to everyone who came out and the entire staff at Tonic!
On August 19th we made our long-awaited debut in the The Big Easy to a crowd of eager-to-be-educated-on-the-art-of-Air-Sex types at the Howlin’ Wolf. Local writer Champ Superstar joined New Orleans super stand-up comic Dane Faucheaux to judge the event along with New Orleans native and host Chris Trew.
Simon the Duck Fucker performed in the first ever back-to-back engagement, attempting to steal the New Orleans crown a mere 24 hours after dominating the Austin competition. His attempts fell a tad short though, because the night belonged to the classiest player in the game, Dirty D. Long time Air Sex fans might remember Dirty D from his raucous performance in New York City- his birth certificate however, says Louisiana, and Dirty D had the support of his high school friends and family (including his proud mother and father cheering him along).
Thanks all for coming to our debut show and we’ll definitely be back in New Orleans sometime in 2010!
That slow steady rumbling you hear is the sound of the world’s most important competition hissing around the corner. It eventually grows into a medium roar-like buzz. Tonight it erupts into a big fat fake orgasm.
Are you an Air Sex virgin? Let us break it down for you– it’s just like air guitar, but instead of pretending to play the guitar, you’re pretending to take an imaginary partner for the ride of his or her life. You can even do the things you’d never normally do in the bedroom. Air Sex is much safer than real sex! You choose a clip of music and then you can go nuts with salad tossing, air grinding, foot jobs, hand jobs, blow jobs, missionary style, doggy-style, wheel barrow, reverse cowgirl, felching and/or space docking. If you don’t know what some of those terms mean, trust us, you don’t want to! What we’re basically saying is– the possibilities are endless.
Sounds about right to us. Now get your act together and we’ll see you tonight.
We weren’t sure what to expect once we stepped outside of our comfort zone in Central Texas. Atlanta was the first stop on our tour and we were nervous – would there be enough star power? Do the people there understand airness? Would BitchBoobs the virgin intern find a lovemaking partner?
The show kicked off with a top-notch demonstration from YouTube sensations Peer Pressure (Later that night we raffled off a signed ottoman from the boys). It was followed by BitchBoobs, the virgin intern who had trouble pulling off the simplest of masturbation techniques. The night would follow this pattern, as competitors were often very precise and then followed by some type of a trainwreck. Both, of course, are welcome at any Air Sex Championships.
Highlights included BloodyFrontButt’s (my favorite stage name so far) amazingly unaccurate (but amazing) pirate costume, Mother Fucher’s precise mime work and Black Toast Intolerance’s brief pause from turtle sex to do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s ninja dance.
The judges called back Mother Fucher, Vesta Bezay and Caveman Sex for round two, where the winner would be decided by the audience. Here, Caveman Sex remained in character with a fire-making orgy that sealed the deal for Mother Fucher, a very close second.
The entire Air Sex crew was very impressed with Atlanta and are confident the Caveman will represent you well in the World Finals!
Check the photo set on FlickR and the playlist below on YouTube!
Meet the crew behind the Air Sex World Championships.
Tim League is the founder of the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Austin, Texas and co-founder of the Air Sex World Championships. The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema has been named the “best theater in America” be Entertainment Weekly and is known for producing innovative programming on both a local and international level.
Henri Mazza is the creative director at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas, and a co-founder of the Air Sex World Championships. He was also the first American to professionally perform an Air Sex routine when he air-masturbated to the Backstreet Boys song, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” on stage at the first U.S. Air Sex show. His girlfriend was not happy about that at all.
Chris Trew is a nationally touring improv, stand-up and sketch comedian based in Austin, Texas. His rap project, Terp 2 it, recently released his second album “My Wiener Touches the Ceiling” with the comedy production company Studio8.net, who have appeared several times on Comedy Central’s Atom TV. He runs the Austin Improv training center The New Movement. He’s been performing at the Alamo Drafthouse since 2007.
Joel Keith has embraced the comedy stages of Austin, Texas for the past decade with his unique force of stand-up comedy. He has also mastered the art of air in both air guitar and air sex competitions. Most recently, Joel could be seen at various tattoo conventions as the opening act for the world-famous “freak”, Lizard Man.